to my valentine . . .

a heart decays
and i can taste the smell of rotting flesh
while eye cry bloody tears in vain
and feel the soul escape my chest.
upon an earthened mound i lie
as i had done so well before
or did at least i thought ...
i die, you see ...
and crumble into bits of earth.
a sense of solace sings to me
for unto dust i had returned.
. . . i wil wait . . .
while wind and water,
air and fertile fire bring to life again
the element of man,
of me
of heart, of love, of strength, of hope
from 'earth to me' ... to earth ... to me
but stronger, wiser will i be
and rising up from ashen plain
i'll fly again - -
to you ... and only you.

---------------------------------------------------
with all my love,
from the phoenix in me . . .

so here i am enjoying my luscious glass of after-dinner whine ... well ... im gonna vent ... brace yourself ...

wtf ... so today was my last first day of school at a&m ... i was so excited yesterday ... got all ready for a new routine ... had my schedule ... packed up my new school supplies [which i am obsessed with btw ... ::shrug::] ... i mean, i had like a week to prepare ... a week of solid drinking and partying festivites ... hanging out ... i knew this moment was coming ... a new start ... i was gonna take charge and grab it by the balls ...

well needless to say, it grabbed mine and ripped them off ... hm ... the beginning ... i tried to go to bed last night ... didn't happen ... for some reason, i was really antsy in bed ... was i nervous for my first day of school? ... wtf ... am i like 9? ... anyway i laid in bed wide-eyed just thinkin about {insert randomness here} ... so i got up and i wrote ...

well that lasted like 2 seconds and then i decided to just stay up ... by then it was around 6 and i just sat at the computer ... and slowly got dressed ... i had contemplated downing half a bottle of nyquil at 430 [what? you do it too], but that didnt make much sense ... i just had to get up ...

so i did ... and i went to campus at 8 ... why? i dont know ... just call me jack mcjackoff ... i did run off some surveys for my research project ... stalked a professor for 1.17 hours and then went and sat in on her class ... for nothing but to hand out my surveys at the end ... useless shit ...

if you are still reading, well hot damn, you win the no-life award ... but i nevertheless appreciate the eye-glance support ... got outta that class, rode my friends bike to the post office ... they had a line out the effing door ... no sir ... my UT app is already late ... i had to mail it today ... USPS can suck my left nut ...

went to class x 2 (that is engineer-talk for 2 classes) and learned about concrete ... and wind ... this lady talked for like an hour ... seriously, and hour ... on the moment stress distribution of an I beam ... like i havent seen that before in like 2998343 of my other classes ... what? that's what we engineers do behind closed doors ... the post office closed at 3 ... i got outta class at 247 ... no lie ... and fuck did i run ... all the way ... im pretty sure i was sweatin like a mo fo ... and i was the last customer that made it on time ... it was like chariots of fire was playing ... slo motion ... and i made that shit ... highlight of my day ...

went home and realized i hadnt slept in over 25 hours ... whuptifuckindoo ... the eyelids got heavy and i realized what a shitty day i was having ... to top it all off, i have a cold/sinus/weird nose thingy and my nose is runnin like shit ...

then i ran out of color ink and it wouldnt even print the black, so i had to go buy some ... and all they had was a double pack ... $50 ::poof:: ... then i bought some grocery and fought the carb-avoiding crowd at HEB ... i forgot those good mixed vegetables ... dammit ... and all i really wanted was reduced fat triscuit and they fucking didnt have it ... they have every goddam cracker except the fuckin triscuit ... shit ... :/

tried to call some of my friends ... no answer ... tempted to swerve of the road ... ok that didnt happen ... i am not crazy ... i just thought today would just not be ... well ... today ...

so here in my sleep-deprived drunken stupor i toast to the shit-on-me events today ... to my recent feelings of worthlessness and loneliness ... to my sudden realization of so many of my own personal faults ... my own downfalls and my crosses that i bear ... im gonna snuggle up with my nyquil ... it's always so good to me ... but through it all, i do have one last thing to toast to my dear, dear friend -- Father Time ... ::raises glass high::

here is to LIFE ...

you frigid bitch ...

an ode to writer's block ;) . . . ironic? . . . i think so . . .

write write write . . . think think think . . .
a boy came down the road and what . . . what . . .
what did he do?! . . .
he did . . . he did come down the road and what . . .
what and where and how and why . . .
c'mon and think and focus now . . .
i gotta get this done somehow . . .

just calm it down and cool it off . . .
i gotta write and write i will
so think and think ... but brain feels numb . . .
so try to think of nothingness . . .
and clear it clear it . . . start anew . . .
but why'd i just now think of YOU . .
and our first kiss . . . and awkwardness . . .
and now i think of only that . . .

hey try again to clear the slate . . .
ok . . . ok . . .
a rollerskate?
how'd that get there . . . and what the . . .
nevermind . . . it's useless now . . .
give up on life and writing this . . .
the boy came down the road and what you say?
who gives a shit . . .

oh yeah, i remember - -
those lazy summer nights
when dad and me would toss the ball  - -
pretending we were them - -
and all the while we'd think we were - -
but i was but a joker then - -
just foolin' around and playin' games - -
growin' up with heroes without fame - -
yet they were always number one to me.
things have changed, in me and them - -
but spirits great do still remain - -
biggio, bagwell, kyle, caminiti - -
ah yes, those were they - -
and forever will be so inside my mind - - 
and heart - -
kings of diamonds they'll now be - -
and as for me?
the little boy inside still lives - -
and plays - -
as time smiles - -
and black and white memory fades - -
so play on, dear friends for you - -
for honor, for glory - -
and for the kid in me.